I used to feel good about being the “therapist friend”. It made me feel competent and appreciated being the person people came to when they needed to scratch an itch. I could calm, comfort + counsel like nobody’s business. Then, I learned a phrase that would turn my identity inside out. I was reading the book Emotional Labor by Rose Hackman with my feminist study group + getting pissed off at every page turn.

The concept of emotional labor articulated something I didn’t know that I knew. That thing being…emotional care is real, effortful + valuable. Women have been handed down a generational task list of action items that must be performed to not be considered an evil bitch. Until given that phrase, my consciousness did not have the space to see the task list for what it was. An idea about what femininity should be. Not what femininity is.

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When you wear an idea as your identity, you have no room to evaluate where it came from. The ideas of womanness I had been given required me to be self-sacrificing, self-deprecating and self-rejecting. If I didn’t comply, the evil bitch award was waiting for me.

Emotional Labor Costs You Your Body

What shifted for me was realizing the nervous system cost of being an emotional vibrator. Your vibration is actually a report on the state of your nervous system + internal world. We all receive nervous system signals from one another + perceive them at different levels of awareness. When someone came to me for comfort, what their nervous system was saying is “Hey, I can’t manage all this charge in here can you down regulate me?”

That’s a job. That’s emotional labor. And it costs you your body.

In relationships where regulation is mutually available, this can be a beautiful way to connect. In one sided dynamics, this will always lead to energetic drain.

(Check out my video below for a deeper dive on drain ⬇️)

Your Internal Power Plant

In a power plant, electricity is generated at very high voltage. So that our homes don’t literally explode, it has to go through a step-down process—traveling long distances and passing through multiple substations where transformers reduce the voltage in stages. That process isn’t free; it requires infrastructure, constant regulation, and energy is lost as heat along the way, making it an inherently expensive process just to make power usable.

Emotional labor is a costly process to the body in the same way the power plant step-down process is expensive. When you are using your emotions to regulate someone else you are going through a biological process that requires resources from your nervous system. That regulation burns real energy. The stronger the emotion, the more work your system has to do to soften, filter, and redirect it, which is why it can leave you feeling exhausted even if nothing “physical” happened.

When you understand this, you start to see that honoring your energetic limits and treating your energy like a valuable resource isn’t bitchy…it’s basic. You deserve well being, rest + to feel good in your body. Period

Is This Lesson Hitting Home? Check Out My Resources Below ⬇️

My Book Store

How To Deal With Negative Energy

🎬 pssssttt…want the video version of this episode Check it out on YouTube

Join Writing Club

Each week I teach a creative writing/thinking workshop where yap, play with ideas + explore our intelligence because we can. It’s basically group shadow work for people who love feeling their feelings and thinking their thoughts for sport.

This month in my writing club we are exploring the tendrils of self-hatred + having a conversation with the darkest part of our shadow. If that’s your vibe, come join us! On Wednesdays we write. Join Writing Club ✍️

When you’re born into a cult, you don’t know it’s a cult…until you do. Many social groups, relational structures + organizations also function like cults. They give you pre-loaded language, incentivize behavior + create systems that sneak into your daily decisions often unnoticed.

psssst…check out the Video Lecture on YouTube

Language is the technology that creates behavior. The words we use and the meaning we ascribe to them are fundamental to how we experience our humanity. So in this video, I am inviting you to evaluate your use use given language. Particularly if you are in the murky waters of deconstruction from an inherited system of thinking and being.

Questions To Reflect On

What words are phrases stand out as belonging to your inherited culture?

What were you taught that they mean + what do they mean to you today?

How have those words/phrases impacted your choices + decisions in life?

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There was nothing at the time about my life that made dreaming feel safe or possible, but I did it anyway. And today I’m doing exactly what 2021 me wanted to do.

pssst…want the video version of this podcast? Check It Out On Youtube

My 2021 Vision Book 👀

Ready For 1:1 Coaching? Let’s Talk ⬇️

It’s never a bad time to dream. It is always a bad time to give up on your dreams. If you are ready to invest in your future self, let’s get you together. You can request Coaching Here 👉 Coaching Form

Years ago, I remember sitting at my desk at work searching for a podcast to listen to while I worked. I could not make sense of the reality I was experiencing. I knew things were off, but I didn’t know just how bad it was until I found a podcast that talked about covert abuse + marital rape.

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I listened to hours and hours of stories of women detailing experiences that sounded JUST like my life. They said the words no one would dare say. Admitted things I knew other women were experiencing but would not dare admit.

I read every book that was recommended, followed every expert that came across my field and let every word give me my soul back letter by letter.

It would be years before I finally believed in myself enough to leave, but that slow growing process was invaluable. If you are in a dynamic which you believe to be abusive, developing a relationship with your mind and body is so important.

I’ve put together a list of my resources that can help you with this.

Books:

All My Books

The Great Sex Rescue

Come As You Are

Why Does He Do That?

Videos:

Books for Domestic Violence Survivors

Dealing With Negative Energy In Relationships

Your Energy Is A Luxury, Act Like It

Entitlement Is A Skill. Hate it + Learn it.

Your Fear Loves You. Learn To Love It Back.

Other Resources:

Betrayal Trauma Recovery (This podcast + organization saved my life)

The Resilience Masterclass (This is an episode from my first very podcast!)

I am learning that I’m allowed to be alive.

Not productive. Not useful to someone. Not compliant. Not grateful.

Just alive. With needs. With a body that gets cold and hungry and tired.

I can want love. I can want money. I can want sex. I can want food. I can want, period.

My entry to earth doesn’t include required self-hatred or a permanent debt collector on my back for the sin of existing.

Religion taught me that I am only allowed to exist if I poison this magnificent vessel of mine with shame. Marriage taught me that my role was to be a sexualized mother figure who remained warm + smiling while sacrificing soul each day.

And what did it get me? Not my dignity. Not even a lousy t-shirt.

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The Intelligence of Demonizing Desire

Your desire is a message from you to you. A signal. It’s your body’s way of moving you toward something it finds important. How do you feel about that statement? Do you question it immediately? Do you doubt it? Do you trust or distrust your desire?

We exist inside systems that hope you distrust yourself. These systems may look like religion, government, work-places and even relationships. From the system’s perspective, your distrust of your perception + your disconnection from your body make you incredibly sexy. So very, very useful.

You know what makes AI so attractive to corporations today? The belief that it is needless and tireless. While AI isn’t needless, in that it requires massive energetic resources, it has no desire. With no will of it’s own, AI seems to be the perfect victim for systems that run on dominance and extraction.

Humans, however, must be wooed out or burned out of their bodies. Review your religious contracts. Are you trading your innate desires for morality and a spiritual VIP section with god?

What about your work commitments? Are you over-giving so that you’ll (maybe) be recognized with kudos and (maybe) a promotion?

What about your relationships? Are you swallowing your discomfort to preserve the comfort of someone you are afraid to lose?

Do you see the equation? Extractive systems train you to see desire as a necessary sacrifice for security.

And is it? Or is that just a toxic idea?

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It’s good to have a clear idea of who is in your jury because this tells you whose value system you are obeying. Living your life for the approval of other people is a great way to end up drained + dissatisfied (trust me I know).

psssst…want the video version of this episode? Check it out on YouTube

Ready For 1:1 Coaching? Let’s Talk ⬇️

Request Coaching Here 👉 Coaching Form

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That feeling, being stuck in a world I wanted to escape, used to be my reality. I was “stuck” in a life made up of other people’s scripts for me.

In this episode I am talking about the illusion of powerlessness and how it keeps you searching for permission where all you need is choice.

psssst….want the video version of this episode? Check it out on YouTube

Ready For 1:1 Coaching? Let’s Talk ⬇️

Request Coaching Here 👉 Coaching Form

In this episode I am giving you a solid foundation that you can build your skills of discernment on top of.

Pssst. Want the video version if this podcast? Click here

Discernment is part mindset, part skill. Before you can develop your discernment skills, ask yourself, are you ready to be one who chooses? That is your foundation as well as your challenge.

Ready For 1:1 Coaching? Let's Talk ⬇️

Request Coaching Here 👉 Coaching Form

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As a creative with multiple passions myself, I know firsthand the constant identity questioning that can come with wanting to express your creativity + feeling like you can’t do so and support yourself financially.

A few weeks ago I was reading a journal from 2014 with plans and ideas about the kind of business I’d start. I was working as a makeup artist at the time. I found it unfulfilling but it was the only way I knew how to express my creativity.

It’s taken me multiple iterations and many failures to come to the conclusion that you do not need to amputate your passions. You need to channel them. In fact, I’d argue that the digital climate we’re living in makes your unique essence an advantage…not a liability.

In this video I explain the two ingredients you need to make your multiple passions make dollars AND make sense.

Let’s Work Together

Want 1:1 Coaching With Me? Complete the application here 👉 Get 1:1 Coaching

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This isn’t a “positive affirmations” session. It’s the opposite. I’ll speak a series of negative affirmations—statements that name the doubts, fears, and hidden rules you may have absorbed about wanting, having, and recei…

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You’re not expected to agree with every statement. That’s part of the point. You’re here to identify what resonates, reject what doesn’t, and consciously ch…

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You’re not expected to agree with every statement. That’s part of the point. You’re here to identify what resonates, reject what doesn’t, and consciously ch…

Read more

You’re not expected to agree with every statement. That’s part of the point. You’re here to identify what resonates, reject what doesn’t, and consciously ch…

Read more

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Join My Writing Club Community

Writing club is a private community I’ve created where we use journaling, thought experiments + introspection as a tool for growing as artists, professionals and beings. If you enjoy reflection (and struggle with expressing yourself) this is a safe space to practice + connect with other emotionally intelligent humans.

Join Writing Club Here ✍️

Resources

If this conversation resonated, I created a companion guide that helps you go deeper.

Inside, you’ll find the full framework, reflection questions, and integration prompts to help you understand where your relationship to worth was formed and how to begin building a more supportive one now.

Get the guide here: Unlearning Unworthiness Guide

Support Pretty Brilliant ✨

Thank you for trusting me with your attention. My publication is supported by community donations in the form of paid subscriptions in effort to keep this work highly accessible. I would love to have your support in this mission and appreciate your consideration.

-🤘🏽Britnei Nicole

I see a species that has forgotten it’s native language. We are energetic beings co-existing + co-creating in an interconnected system. What we do to ourselves…we do to each other. What we do to each other. We do to ourselves. It’s one of the only things I know to be true without exception.

I’m no economist or political expert. I won’t pretend to have systems level solutions to offer. But what I do know is this, we are all affecting everything…all of us…always.

If we want a different world we must participate in creating it every day. We must live coherently from the inside out + with intention everyday.

Embodiment + Internal Government

How conscious are you of your internal government system? Have you chosen your thoughts or were they given to you? How do you know what you know?

These are questions I have had to sit deeply with the past few years as I recover from spiritual abuse + mind control (Check out my articles on spiritual recovery here).

Look deeply into the intention of our current governing. What do you see? Emptiness. Soullessness. Disembodied governing creates disembodied systems.

Here’s an example. I was raised in a faith that glorified abandoning the intelligence of the body. I was rewarded socially for self-harm, self-sacrifice + self erasure. It wasn’t until my body warned me with impending collapse that I began questioning the system itself. How could it be spiritual to ignore the decline of my mental and physical well-being? How could that be love? The dissonance was loud and unresolvable. The truth was horrifying and unforgettable. I wasn’t being guided. I was being abused.

Abusive Systems + Disembodiment

A body that has been evacuated of its will + taught to distrust itself is easy to control. Because I had no internal governing system of my own, I didn’t perceive myself as tolerating abuse. I perceived myself as being patient, diligently waiting a divine reward for my sacrifice. Well worded, well timed hope is spiritual molly for the downtrodden + abusive systems know that.

Developing a relationship with your body, your energy + your emotions is how you begin to hear your internal governing speak for itself. It’s how you protect yourself. It’s how you create a world made of integrity + alignment.

Resources

📕 🔗 Go Love Yourself: In my book I have alchemized lessons about control, manipulation + Narcissistic thinking into a manual that helps you reconnect to your body.

📕 🔗 Becoming Unfuckwithable: This guide decodes common power plays + provides strategies for dealing with them in your everyday life.

Support Pretty Brilliant ✨

Thank you for trusting me with your attention. My publication is supported by community donations in the form of paid subscriptions in effort to keep this work highly accessible. I would love to have your support in this mission and appreciate your consideration.

-🤘🏽Britnei Nicole

In the healing process, it’s difficult to recover from what didn’t happen that should have. For example, growing up without my father around I had the unique experience of not knowing what fathering felt like. How then, does one grieve what they can’t imagine?

Spiritual recovery can feel even more ambiguous. I’ve been sharing my spiritual recovery journey in this space because I know I’m not alone. And I know how difficult it can be to talk about.

This is the area of life I enjoy exploring as a writer, naming the ambiguous haunted sensations that live in our bodies like unanswered ghosts.

If you have also experienced spiritual abuse, allow me the opportunity to name a few things you may have lost. Read these spiritual safety needs with your child-mind. With vulnerable eyes. I hope you find something you can begin to give yourself.

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Spiritual Safety Needs

You needed someone who made it safe to have questions. Someone who welcomed your wondering instead of tightening at it. You needed space to explore ideas, feelings, and possibilities without fear that curiosity itself was a problem.

You needed someone to show you that your body is amazing, trustworthy, and powerful. You needed to learn that your sensations and instincts are intelligent signals, not inconveniences to override or sources of shame.

You needed encouragement for your curiosity. You needed the part of you that wanted to explore, notice, and think differently to be met with interest and support, not correction.

You needed to know that no one knows everything. You needed demonstration that uncertainty, learning, changing your mind, and staying open is healthy and necessary You needed to know that information not something that should be controlled by a few people at the “top”.

You needed to know it was your job to create the life you want to live — and that you had permission to do so. You needed someone to reflect back that your desires, direction, and imagination were valid starting points, not threats to a prewritten script.

Grieving + Self Love

Grief and I have been getting very acquainted lately. I don’t know how I feel about her yet, but what I can say is I am learning to allow her to move through me. The only thing I ask is that she leaves something beautiful behind when she goes.

I refuse…REFUSE to allow things that have happened to me to steal more life from me today. I have been stolen from enough.

So I grieve by writing, sharing my stories + sharing with others the art of taking back your narrative through writing.

I’d like to invite you to my Private Writing Club a creative writing space where I teach my group how to make beauty of grief. I’d love to see you there.

Find out more about writing club here: 👉 Join Writing Club

-🤘🏽 Britnei Nicole

There I was in an auditorium I sat in a million times. The place where I once believed god was speaking to me through men in polyester suits. Only this day, I was distracted by something more insidious than bad fashion. My consciousness.

Inconveniently, I had awaken to the reality that my spiritual home was not the picture perfect, harmless ball of beige it pretended to be. Actually, it had teeth. And an agenda.

Today, the words coming through the speakers felt like noxious gas…not truth and not love. I had come here to learn and yet what I found myself in was a rally. We were not learning. We were being told what to think.

The phrase “We do not feel shame about (x)” kept being threaded through different discussions. And I thought to myself, but what if people do feel shame? What if I do feel shame? How does this actually address what people are going through?

The message was coded but clear to me “This isn’t a discussion. You will feel what you’re told and if you feel something different you’re not one of us”.

I agreed.

And I left.

I realized I would never be safe in a spiritual community that wanted me to hand over my mind for belonging. No man in a polyester suit tells baby how to think.

This is an excerpt from my next book. stay tuned for more!

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The Art of Authoring Your Own Story

Writing is a ritual of release for me. I wrote my first book Go Love Yourself because I needed to. My pain needed a place to go. And if I could help someone not go through what I went through, my experience could mean something other than just loss.

I want to teach you how to use your stories as creative fuel + spiritual hygiene.

Language is the technology that runs the operating system of your mind. The stories you tell yourself about you are the most important and most precious. Using writing I have been able to turn my pain into art, lessons, medicine and a career. Writing amplifies you in every way.

Come make stories with me in my Private Writing Club. This is my community where we meet each week for creative writing workshops + practice using writing as an intellectual + emotional play space. Hope to see you there.

-🤘🏽 Britnei Nicole