A Recipe For Intellectual Intimacy
Is there anything quite like a well placed question? One that undresses your performance and proves to you that you are seen from the inside out?
Working in IT trained me well in the art of inquiry. Any help desk veteran will tell you that an unspoken part of the job is dealing with people’s intellectual insecurities (i.e. trying not to make people feel stupid for doing stupid things).
You learn to ask the right questions, how to let people come to their own conclusions and how to be merciful with their dignity. While I initially found that annoying, conducting the intellect of another revealed itself as intimacy in disguise.
Underneath fancy titles, I often found a regular-degular human embarrassed for not knowing the difference between shutting down their computer and restarting it (I was not always merciful with that request).
The Recipe
The sexiest question to me is one where genuine curiosity provokes and evokes the receiver. Curiosity is a lost, delicious art. I’ve taken the liberty to cultivate a few ingredients for you to play with. Use responsibly.
Ingredient # 1: Presence
Intellectual intimacy requires an authentic, fully powered, forward gaze into another. When we engage with others while watching ourselves, we are splitting our attentive capacity. For example, when you are thinking about what to say while appearing to pay attention your focus is not fully forward. It’s partially on you and partially on the subject. This isn’t full bodied presence.
Don’t feel bad, it’s just data. If you can relate to this experience, the next time you find yourself in that scenario ask yourself “What do I want them to see or not see in me right now?”
The self-consciousness that surfaces when present with others reveals a part of you that needs nourishing. For example, I used to feel really insecure about speaking. It would take me weeks and sometimes months to get the courage to speak up about something. When I was planning my business I knew I was going to have to get over that so I practiced using my voice. I took classes, I did instagram lives, I started challenging myself to address things more quickly. It was hella uncomfortable until it wasn’t.
My point here is that, there are probably things you’re insecure about…you’re a person. That’s normal person shit, I promise. When you lovingly care for the parts of you that don’t feel shiny, the byproduct is you relax the constant surveillance on yourself. This is how you experience being “present”.
How To Practice Presence:
Self-consciousness reveals itself most clearly when you want to impress someone. For example, when you’re in the company of someone you admire, or someone you’re deeply attracted to. Maybe you feel your posture adjust. Your voice smooths out. Your words get cleaner, funnier, etc.
Imagine you’re sitting across from someone you deeply admire or desire. Maybe it’s a mentor, a crush, someone whose attention lights you up. Then ask yourself the following:
✍️ What version of me am I trying to project right now?
✍️ What parts of me am I hiding or downplaying?
✍️ What reaction am I hoping to create in them?
✍️ Where am I subtly managing their perception of me?
What your answers will reveal to you are the parts of you that want protecting or nourishing. That’s data. use it.
Ingredient # 2: Curiosity
Last night I hopped on VR Chat with my nephew. After signing in, I was welcomed into a virtual lobby with a selection of worlds to explore. It made me think about how when getting to know someone we are exploring their virtual reality world.
Curiosity requires you to own your appetite for information. What do you want to know about others and why? For example, I love asking my grandmother about the world she lived in as a young girl because it gives me perspective that I use in my own life.
Curiosity is not neutral. It’s shaped by desire. By what you find meaningful, beautiful, or useful. Knowing what you hunger for in others focuses your attention and gives it style.
Whose mind feels interesting to you—and why?
What about how they think draws you in?
What turns your attention on, and what turns it off?
What’s a question you wish people would ask you?
Why that one?
Gentle, non-extractive curiosity is a mutually felt experience that generates co-regulation and creates shared worlds. Kids are masters at this. Let them remind you.
How To Practice Curiosity
Curiosity requires your attention to feel like that of an artist, not a judge. That means you’re not looking for agreement or even understanding. You’re just looking. Try noticing these things next time you’re with someone.
✅ Observe their language like texture: How do they describe things? visually, emotionally, functionally? Do they use metaphors? Blunt facts? Poetic tangents? Their word choices reveal.
✅ Be curious about their logic: Even if you don’t agree with someone, try to understand what premises make their beliefs make sense. What’s rational inside their game?
✅ Track what lights up their body: Do their eyes sharpen when talking about justice? Does their posture soften when they mention their dog? These cues tell you where they live emotionally.
✅ Notice what they skip: What do they not talk about? What questions make them glance away, deflect, joke? Silence is also data.
TL;DR:
Intellectual intimacy requires you to be present and curious.
Nurturing what you’re self conscious about helps you be more present.
Noticing what turns your attention on/off helps you be more curious.