There’s a song that’s been following me lately. Tyrant by Beyonce. Personally, I love any song with a baseline that feels like sex, but that’s not what’s particularly interesting here. It’s the story laced within the song.
The Tyrant is the quintessential forbidden woman. She is the archetype of outlaw, of wildness, of unapologetic appetite and desire. In it The Woman whose man is “stolen” sings about The Tyrant with a twisted form of praise, fear and admiration.
One-by-one you hang them high. Your hands are steady and you sleep at night.
How did you turn your heart to stone? I don’t want him back but I can’t let go.
Hangman, answer me now. You owe me a debt, you stole him from me.
I hated you once, I envy you now. Just tell me how, tell me how.
The Woman is captivated by The Tyrant’s energetic range. She admires the way she can take what she wants with steady hands and a good night’s sleep. She is mesmerized by the way she embodies her fire + keeps a heart of stone. I would position that what this woman really admires isn’t reckless abandon, it’s shamelessness.
Learning From The Tyrant
Beneath her myth is a woman with hella nervous system capacity and a healthy appetite. She’s in touch with her body. Pleasure is a priority for her. She knows what she wants and even if it isn’t polite, she has no shame about being fully satisfied. There is wisdom in that.
I’m not recommending acting without regard to others, but I am recommending you examine where you are disappearing from your own life. Where has shame made your needs invisible to you?
Shame is the psychic guillotine that separates you from essential parts of your humanness. It’s like having an invisibility spell applied to a piece of yourself. For example, if you grew up being shamed for being sensitive or having certain sensory needs, you may have survived by developing blindspots to those needs.
Many of us become adults and discover that no one actually taught us how to know what we need, receive love, communicate honestly, set boundaries, recognize our own desire, or choose relationships that are good for us. We have to learn how to regulate our nervous systems while living inside them, and trying to navigate patriarchy, capitalism + whatever flavor of doomscrolling is on the menu that day. It’s hard. And it’s not something we are meant to do alone.
What do you need to be loved well?
I have two dogs, one of which is very physically clingy. I love her but I hate that about her. For a long time I judged myself for needing space from a cute little critter who just wants to be close to me. I would allow her to encroach on my boundaries and tolerate my own discomfort for her sake.
This is a relationship pattern funded by the belief that my own comfort is not as valuable as the comfort of others. Do you recognize this pattern in yourself? Where in your life are you allowing your boundaries to be encroached on?
I have a deep need for silence + space. Silence gives me energetic breathing room to let my body and mind speak to me. Space gives me time to attune deeply to myself. Is there something shameful about this? No. But when you are taught to be ashamed of needing, your human body can seem inconvenient to keeping the peace in relationships.
Building Relationships That Welcome Your Humanity
If you were conditioned to be ashamed of your human needs, I implore you to audit your relationships and make adjustments where there are imbalances. Traumatic wounds that happen because of relationships, can heal deeply in healthy relationships.
It is important for the health of your nervous system to choose + participate in relationships with people for whom your needs are a pleasure to meet.
Here are some examples:
You need reassurance → they reassure you without acting like you’ve created an burden.
You need alone time → they respect it without punishment, sulking, or making you prove your love.
You need clarity → they would rather explain themselves than leave you guessing.
The audit question underneath all of these is: “Does this relationship teach my nervous system that having needs is safe or that having needs costs me connection?”
📲 Want more? Join the Community ↓
Join my community for practical, no-BS relationship advice that helps you deal with difficult people, make better decisions, and stop losing yourself in relationships. Get a new article every Sunday, plus journaling challenges and live community events
You can also get a Library Card for access to my vault of video courses, articles + members-only resources exploring the frameworks I use to understand the psyche, relationships, spirituality + personal transformation.
Your Library Card also includes my boundary guide, Becoming Unfuckwithable.