Recovering From The "Self-as-Drug" Mindset

It’s 2:23 AM and I’m knee-deep in shadow work .

I love this place. It’s Awful. Scary. Honest. Clean.

A concept came to my mind that I want to share with you. I offer this language in the hopes that it resonates in the worst way. That sounds like a weird offering, but when you give language to that which is hard to say you begin to set yourself free.

I’ve been getting acquainted with grief lately. Learning to sit still with the horror in my bones. Asking it questions. Tending to the garden of history living in me. I found the words that name the sickening song that has been playing in my shadows. I call it “Self As Drug”. The song goes like this:

I am valuable when I help others feel better.

I am responsible for regulating the emotions of people I love.

If I say no, I will hurt people.

If I set a boundary, I am betraying them.

If someone is hurting, I am supposed to offer myself.

Withholding myself makes me feel cruel.

I should be okay being needed even when it drains me.

It’s easier to give than to explain why I can’t.

I feel guilty when I protect my own energy.

Do you know this song?

Have you had relationships where you felt compelled or obligated to be a source of regulation for someone else? Have you had relationships where you were unable to feel your no without also feeling their inability to handle your no?

This is what it means to be a self and a drug. A drug isn’t human. a drug doesn’t have boundaries. A drug has one job. Be used.

If this is relevant for you I hope my language gives you eyes to remember. You are not a drug. You are a self.

If you’re ready to stop being the drug and start coming back to yourself, Go Love Yourself (my book) teaches you how to write a new songs for the story of your life. Get your copy on Amazon.

Be well

-Britnei Nicole