Sexuality is one especially vivid place where women may learn to tolerate discomfort, disconnection, or unwanted experiences because sacrifice has been coded as goodness. Pleasure becomes displaced from what actually feels good and life-giving to you toward being rewarded for performing what is expected of you. You may learn to distrust your desires, ignore discomfort, or treat your ability to endure as evidence that you are being a good woman, partner, or person. But desire is information. Your body is constantly telling you what it wants, what it needs, what feels good, what hurts, and when something is enough. When you repeatedly override those signals, you can eventually lose your ability to hear them clearly. Reclaiming pleasure begins with treating your body’s communication as valuable again.
Relearning How to Hear Your Body
The first step is being willing to admit what you are experiencing. Say it out loud to yourself. If speaking it feels impossible, write it down. The goal is to take the experience out of the fog and make it something you are allowed to consciously know. From there, start rebuilding communication with your body through its smallest signals. Notice when you are hungry, thirsty, sleepy, too hot, too cold, tense, uncomfortable, or need to use the bathroom, and practice responding. You do not have to begin with sexuality or pleasure. Start by teaching your body something more fundamental: when you speak, I listen.
