Unreality and The Era of Selfhood
For the past year I have been deeply emerged in a kind of shadow work I can only refer to as psychomasochistic. 2000+ hours of deep and brutal self reflection in the form of video and written journaling, subconscious deprogramming and reprogramming.
I have been losing my mind.
I have been making my mind.
I woke up today with the realization that the way I experience life now is much like an alien landing on a foreign planet.
The world is not at all what I was told it was. The experience of Humanness is not what I thought it was . I was sold stories of inherited brokenness, powerlessness and inability. I was taught to be in wrong relationship with now. To see life as this thing that starts later. To ignore my flesh and bones and see myself as not currently here. As waiting in the lobby for life to start. That’s what I now call unreality.
I’ve never seen anyone write of the fresh zeroness of having no belief system. I don’t hear people talking about making peace with uncertainty. I’ve read no books on unlearning inherited existential dread and trying to be in this place we call life with no manual. So I write. From this side. From zero.
It is loud and quiet and fertile.
This is Selfhood. The thing after adulthood where you exit collective unreality and decide what “I” means to you. Where you accept the invitation of rupture and say “You know what…hell yeah”. Where you look at life and say I don’t really know what this thing is but I’m gonna do it…as me.
And I’m doing it as me.
Britnei Nicole
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Quiet. Loud. Fertile. Always a new reveal around the corner