You're Allowed To Want More

What do you want?

Not the watered down, sanitary version of what you think you can have. What do you dream about in secret? What do you want that you wouldn’t tell your mom (or whoever is responsible for judging your decisions)? What do you fantasize about?

Once upon a time, that thing for me was a divorce. I was married to someone who disrespected everything about me and our marriage. After years of infidelity and degrading treatment, I naturally became disgusted with and by him. My body felt unsafe and unhappy. But, I was inside of a religious environment that conditioned me to believe that his behavior was OUR problem, that my suffering wasn’t bad enough to have a “scriptural” divorce and if I disobeyed that would earn me hatred by god.

One fabulous day in June I admitted the truth to myself in my journal:

I’m on the beach right now. Listing to music, looking good and feeling high on life. I had a session with my therapist yesterday where I decided to be honest about what I’m feeling in my life and in my marriage.

The truth is.

I don’t want to be married. I didn’t last year and I don’t now. And I don’t think I can do this the rest of my life.

I took this picture of myself because I wanted that feeling of certainty to last. Somehow, I knew that when I returned to reality the pressure to conform would be waiting for me at home.

Many of us have settled into settling for less because it feels easier than admitting something is off with our life. Or perhaps, life hasn’t ever given you an easy opportunity to truly choose for yourself.

It is painful to admit that you are unsatisfied. It’s okay to let it be painful. But it’s also okay to let it be beautiful. Because, the fact that you want more of something means you’re alive. Life lives in you. Desire is an essential survival signal. It is your body’s way of saying “yes, that”. It is natural and human to want. It is natural and human to need.

The Problem Is Not Your Desire

It’s the systems that benefit from your disembodiment. Patriarchy. Religion. Government. Hustle Culture. The list goes on. Society has been engineered to function like a massive machine extracting from life like an oil drill. Your attention is fuel. Your body are the parts. Your will…unwanted garbage.

I finally got the courage to divorce when I began to fear for my physical safety. I thought for sure my community would finally be understanding. They weren’t. Relationships that I thought were solid revealed their rot. When I attempted to throw my pain into volunteer work I was rejected and called “un-exemplary”.

I asked the (all male) spiritual counsel one simple question no one could answer…If I am not a good example for leaving an abusive marriage, would I have been a good example if I stayed? Crickets. And that’s when I saw it. I was inside of a system whose function was to extract while to pretending to protect.

I left. And despite the decades of lies I was fed about my life being over if you leave, that’s actually when it began.

How To Get What You Want

Deconstructing your life + reconstructing it to the tune of your desires is challenging but worth it. It starts with intention + a clear vision.

In my Brain Training Library I have a visualization exercise that can help you get back in touch with your desires called “How To Get What You Want”.

When you upgrade your subscription you get monthly access to my growing library of trainings, meditations + journal prompts. Get your subscription here.

I hope that by giving you a window into my story you can actually see more clearly into your own.

-🤘🏽 Britnei Nicole