My authenticity, that includes my self respect, my voice, the way I expressed myself, my very own opinion. I learned that to be seen means to be in trouble so I became quiet, suppressed my tears and even my laughter became quiet.
It all changed for the better but age 28 to 33 was a hell of a ride of unlearning stuff. Today I feel blessed but still struggle to allow myself to be seen.
I found that it was not necessarily something I had to loose, but was often suppressed... My voice.
It was surrounded by the "children should only be seen and not heard," yet I'm naturally an outspoken person, especially when it came to myself.
Over the years, I've realized it wasn't only a "child thing," it's also a "woman thing."
I'm going to *play* with this prompt some more because it's causing me to reflect on the past and see where things are still showing up differently in the present.
I can definitely relate to that. Now that you mention it, I realize that it was "woman thing" all along for me. I was treated like an adult opponent for being able name the harm I was experiencing with the language of an adult in the body of a child.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am discovering that this has been an unconscious driving force in my life to find joy, I only realising recently that it was something that was taken from me and I am learning how to be frivolous and playful with care and intention towards myself and others, this is an ongoing process challenging at times. What is it like for you ? If you don’t mind me asking
For me I'm discovering emotions that I didn't let myself feel. I didn't have time to be sad, or feel left out. I had to be strategic and stay focused. I do love that about myself but when I let my guard down that's when I feel most child like. I think I'm fortunate in that learning has always felt like play for me so reading was a safe space. I'm trying to make time and space to learn for fun and not just for work or healing.
My memory. I had to lose my memory to survive my childhood. I am someone who naturally knows about shyt and revelations even secrets usually come to me unprovoked.
Unfortunately, I was also a whistleblower. But growing up, when I hear about something bad someone has done and try to tell someone else about it, they instantly shut it down and question my account of things. Like one time I found out my dad was s-harassing our house help and tried to tell my sister, she said “I don’t allow people speak negatively about people I love” and shut me down immediately.
I learnt that to survive, I had to willingly let my self be gaslit, to not hold grudges, to be a good girl and to forget my own account of things because the truth was Bruno ( from encanto)
Powerful. thank you for sharing. I relate to a lot of this. The truth was not to be acknowledged no matter how sound the reasoning or how gently explained. It's hard to be an honest kid when people prefer illusion.
My authenticity, that includes my self respect, my voice, the way I expressed myself, my very own opinion. I learned that to be seen means to be in trouble so I became quiet, suppressed my tears and even my laughter became quiet.
It all changed for the better but age 28 to 33 was a hell of a ride of unlearning stuff. Today I feel blessed but still struggle to allow myself to be seen.
"in trouble" whew...that was an unconscious spell I was living with for so long without knowing it! Also my 28-33 was my rupture season too!
I found that it was not necessarily something I had to loose, but was often suppressed... My voice.
It was surrounded by the "children should only be seen and not heard," yet I'm naturally an outspoken person, especially when it came to myself.
Over the years, I've realized it wasn't only a "child thing," it's also a "woman thing."
I'm going to *play* with this prompt some more because it's causing me to reflect on the past and see where things are still showing up differently in the present.
I can definitely relate to that. Now that you mention it, I realize that it was "woman thing" all along for me. I was treated like an adult opponent for being able name the harm I was experiencing with the language of an adult in the body of a child.
Tender frivolity & playfulness
Same. I'm just discovering this as an adult. What about you?
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am discovering that this has been an unconscious driving force in my life to find joy, I only realising recently that it was something that was taken from me and I am learning how to be frivolous and playful with care and intention towards myself and others, this is an ongoing process challenging at times. What is it like for you ? If you don’t mind me asking
For me I'm discovering emotions that I didn't let myself feel. I didn't have time to be sad, or feel left out. I had to be strategic and stay focused. I do love that about myself but when I let my guard down that's when I feel most child like. I think I'm fortunate in that learning has always felt like play for me so reading was a safe space. I'm trying to make time and space to learn for fun and not just for work or healing.
My memory. I had to lose my memory to survive my childhood. I am someone who naturally knows about shyt and revelations even secrets usually come to me unprovoked.
Unfortunately, I was also a whistleblower. But growing up, when I hear about something bad someone has done and try to tell someone else about it, they instantly shut it down and question my account of things. Like one time I found out my dad was s-harassing our house help and tried to tell my sister, she said “I don’t allow people speak negatively about people I love” and shut me down immediately.
I learnt that to survive, I had to willingly let my self be gaslit, to not hold grudges, to be a good girl and to forget my own account of things because the truth was Bruno ( from encanto)
Powerful. thank you for sharing. I relate to a lot of this. The truth was not to be acknowledged no matter how sound the reasoning or how gently explained. It's hard to be an honest kid when people prefer illusion.